exodus release

April 2, 2019
Photo of bullets

Two years ago today my mother passed away. That’s a delicate way of saying she suffocated after being bed-ridden for a month with a BiPAP mask strapped to her face, forcing oxygen down her throat day and night. Having recently survived a heart attack, she was too weak for pain killers, so they doped her up on anxiety meds instead. She couldn’t talk, experienced only moments of lucidity between long bouts of dissociation. Just gasping for air like a fish, lips cracked and eyes dried out with a wide and vacant gaze. The doctors and most of the nurses in this Muskogee Oklahoma hospital seemed indifferent of her condition, and not at all optimistic of a recovery or improving her comfort. The letters “DNR” were tattooed on her wrist, but I don’t remember if the ink was green or black.

My brothers and I went to IHOP for breakfast that morning. As we were leaving we received a call to rush to the hospital, but we were too late. She died 10 minutes before we arrived. And I’m not sure if I’ll ever forgive myself for not being there. Her last moments were in a room full of strangers.

Death puts life into perspective. I spent most of my days sick with insecurity, inadequacy, anxiety, and insidious “what ifs”—worrying about so many things that can change. But we can’t change a death. We can’t reason with it, fix it, or work it out. Death begins a new constant, and gives life a different perspective. I am now in a world where my mother is gone, and nothing I can do can change that. When this permanence stared me in the face, waiting for me to pick up the pieces, I become aware of so many things I CAN change.

I decided to make and publish as much music as I can, that’s now this started.

exodus

So, two years ago today she passes away, and today I release a song called “Exodus”, decorated with an intense photo of Soviet 7.62×39mm bullets (so my brother tells me). I guess I have a funny way of dealing with things.

Soon I’ll release two more songs in my first EP, “Void”.

Stay wavy y’all.

Music

Blog Posts

new years, hatsu geiko, goals and trajectory

new years, hatsu geiko, goals and trajectory

Many traditional Japanese martial art practitioners observe Hatsu Geiko (first training), spending the first day of the year training, sparring, practicing, and socializing with teammates and friends. Over 10 years ago, we adopted this tradition at my Brazilian...

“stay with the pain, don’t shut this out”

“stay with the pain, don’t shut this out”

Halfway through the movie Fight Club there's a scene were Tyler Durden intentionally burns the Narrator's hand, while making a point about sacrifice and mortality. https://youtu.be/afdyNHbtdQY This part of the movie might seem shocking or unnecessarily absurd. But to...

why i (mostly) quit social media

why i (mostly) quit social media

I've had several people approach me in the past week, and ask why I decided to leave social media.  To me, that's like asking "Bro, why are you quitting heroin?"  I've just been responding, "shouldn't everyone?" We all know that our relationship with Social...

move on release

move on release

Okay you guys, here it is. Finally. This four-song EP is a such long time coming, and arduous in every step of the making. I wish I could crank out music a little quicker, but the songs tell ME when they are finished. And what stubborn, fickle, and needy bastards they...